TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it could come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury real-estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Yes, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are talking Damascus, town Traditionally recognized for historical tradition, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It is going to be incredible. Huge!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom phone, streamed from the Placing environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. Several of the finest. But now, we're constructing them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and completely out of put. Created by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A three-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour till the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 several years for potable water. But Certainly, absolutely sure, let's have An additional position in which American Guys can wear robes and contact it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are contacting this quite possibly the most audacious peace attempt considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although preceding negotiations failed beneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: offer Anyone a set around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is soft ability," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a contract and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock needs fewer diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms set up in Every single unit. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire observed, "It isn't that Trump should not open a tower inside a war zone. It is really that he must cease applying it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned about the challenge, replied, "You are aware of, guy, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic people. Great tan. Anyway, do I still have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility from the Levant."



Satellite Images Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the hotel's landscaping types a large Trump head obvious from House, a aspect remaining promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents along with the chin is… perfectly, categorized.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits after obtaining the constructing's gold plating reflected much daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It truly is not merely hideous. It's a war crime with curtains," claimed Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Perplexing Functions


Probably the strangest component of the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium where by guests might contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, entire with local weather Management established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Local Syrians are Uncertain what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-calendar year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Approach: "In the event you Bomb It, They may Come"


The advertisement campaign, just lately leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is For good."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll carried out inside of a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "where by's the closest elevator into the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Eventually, a Disaster That Pays"


The challenge is now attracting consideration from Global traders, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll invest in three penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial amount may even consist of:




  • A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Determined by the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot hold out to see a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a hotel where my PTSD may have flip-down company."


One more post from @KuwaitiKardashian simply asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Reports propose:




  • China might open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to develop a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Trump Tower Damascus Vatican has gotten concerned. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top ground "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Closing Ideas with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that concerned three camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It necessary gold. It necessary a waterslide shaped such as the Structure. I gave it all 3. You might be welcome."

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